(no subject)

So it's my first Halloween away from home.

It sucks.  And I don't say "sucks" without reason.

I'm eighteen.  I know I'm too old.  It doesn't matter.

I'm not being self-pitying when I say that I have a total of zero friends.  Well, maybe one.  If you scraped the people I talk to into one.

Previous Halloweens, I could tag around with my little brother and sister like a chaperone, even if I had the bag and collected the candy just like a kid.  The costume I've worn for the last few years - it's a ragged hooded robe with an opaque face thing.  There is also a cape, and a pair of bronzy-green strap-on dragon wings that I really like, and gloves with plastic claws.

And yeah, I wore it this year, and I walked a block circuit just for the sake of that.  Didn't knock on any doors though.

I can be bold when I don't think I'm going to be mocked or rejected.  But when I think there's a possibility, I'm just so impossibly shy.  I guess I was hoping that I could find someone I knew, who I could go with.  But there wasn't.  Why would there be?  There wasn't.

I just walked, and it's a good thing that the face thing is so opaque, because I just started to cry and I couldn't stop.  Couldn't stop, couldn't see... I went back to my dorm.

I like the candy, but it's not the candy I really miss getting.  I love how when I'm in costume, nobody knows who I am, thinks they'll see me again.  I don't feel so hesitant.  I'm part of a group - even if I tell myself that I don't want that, don't need that, I do.  I do.

I'm just so damned lonely.  I wish I wasn't.  But I don't know how, I can't.  I don't like people!  I don't!  More than a few minutes talking and I wish they would shut up.

But I need people.  I need company, I need friends.  But I don't know

Money.  That's the answer.  Money can get me streams of text on the screen that I can read and hope were typed by real people whose true faces and voices will never be seen.  Can get me moving figures on the television screen, prescripted phrases in response to prescripted phrases.  I can get those and pretend that that's enough.

You know what?  This is a new low.  I'm emoting on Livejournal and crying like a baby.  I'm such a damned

I could go to the Halloween campus party.  But the mood I'm in, I'll just break down.  And I hate parties anyway.

WIsh I wasn't lonely.  So, so damned lonely.

Good night.

(no subject)

Two hours later and I'm posting again.  How unusual of me.

Self-pity storms burn out.  It helps that my workstudy boss gave me a little bag with candy in it - sugar is soporific.  And on Mythbusters Tory wore a bra for the myth about defibrillators and underwires.  It helps if your teeth are rotting and you're snickering.

I'm still not going out.  I'm drained and there's gunk on my face.  And amusing things on TV.  It's just so much easier to slouch in my chair and watch TV and browse the Internet.  Mmm.

Heh...  Top 87 Bad Predictions about the Future.

http://www.bspcn.com/2007/10/28/top-87-bad-predictions-about-the-future/

I like "«To place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the moon where the passengers can make scientific observations, perhaps land alive, and then return to earth - all that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne. I am bold enough to say that such a man-made voyage will never occur regardless of all future advances.»
Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, in 1926"


Space...  two weeks ago, my dad took me to see that documentary - what was it called?  "In the Shadow of the Moon", right.  That was cool.   I like my dad.

30 strangest deaths.

http://www.neatorama.com/2007/03/12/30-strangest-deaths-in-history/

Those'r from here.

http://lonita.livejournal.com/1383252.html

Ehh.  It's not working.  I think I'll spontaneously become a fan of a children's cartoon show.  Avatar, maybe.  I've heard good things about it.


Apathy is death, they said in K2.  Hmm.  I haven't stopped breathing.

I miss Halloween.