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People die if they are killed...   From the TVTropes page "Captain Obvious".  I find this so hilarious.  Maybe it's because of how serious he looks.

Gonna just dump some extraneous quotes here from my idea bank.

"Oh, right. I have lasers. I forgot about the lasers. Oooh, cool, there's an automatic cooling system. Hey, what's this thing do?"
Really stupid random bad guy: "I will burn you alive, establishment pig."
Rhodey: "Who talks like that anymore? And anyway, I have lasers. I think."

"audiamus vestri dicetis"
(we listen when you speak)

"I once saw a mare in heat courting a cat. Poor cat was so confused."

"What kind of place is this?"  "It's called planet Earth" 

"I read on the internet that spontaneous changes in gender are sometimes fixed by simply having sex." 

“Okay, but when I start tumbling down from fifty thousand feet over the Pacific-”
“I’ll catch you.”   

"The last thing you want to encase your vital organs in is something that's self-aware."  

"You can have your damned grudges and wars all you want on your own time, but right now, we've got bigger problems then yer hurt feelings. So you can just all get the hell over yourselves." 

"You're sure you can handle this?  The part where the computers in your head make you go crazy?"   ...I'm finding lines I like in ''slash'', aren't I.  Damn it!  That is the one insane fangirl thing I said I would never do!  Well, that and ''write'' slash.  ...No.  Not worth it.  When the hell did I start enjoying slash?!

"So I hear you're evil now."  "Yes, I hear that also."

"Hey! Mike! Oh my god there's, like... the porch is totally gone. They're huge. These all have your name... I can't... do want me to... Holy crap." is about an order of playpen balls, but it could easily be about so many other things...

"Just so you know?  If I had fists, I would punch you right now."  "I would let you."

"Before, you know, they called this century the "Information Age".  Like the "Age of Discovery" or the "Atomic Age".  Because of the way computers connect the world.  Now - I've heard a lot of debate about what this age is.  "Age of Miracles" has a religious aspect that a lot of people don't like.  "Age of Marvels" sounds good, but it was actually copyrighted by an entertainment-related company.  They're touchy enough about their other copyrights running around out there and taking exception to what they print, you know.  "Age of Magic" is right out.  "Age of Change" is an interesting one.  I was pointed to a late-night television program which had the joke that this is "The Age of Nerds Arguing About What Age This Is.""

''Herons and egrets are among my favorite birds. They remind me strongly of the bird-dinosaur link.
They make gentle *snork* noises and fly around and look all prehistoric.
Herons and egrets are pure carnivores. Most eat mollusks, crustaceans, other aquatic invertebrates, fish, baby aquatic birds (close your eyes, duckling-lovers), and amphibians, great egrets and sometimes great blue herons also hang out farther away from water and eat small mammals and reptiles, too.''

Godot: You're saying that if something isn't normal, it simply isn't possible? Where does that leave the porcu-headed lawyer and the topknot chick over there... and the ungodly cool guy with the mask over here? Well, Trite?

“There should be all this steam and a KSSSSSH sound effect whenever X takes off X’s helmet.”

“Problem.”  “Yes?”  “You’ve read the report on what happened to Paul Redmond, right?”  “Redmond… oh, one of the vampires.  Fell into the bay and was… bitten rather badly by sharks, right?”  “That’s right.  Turns out there’s some fallout to that.  Uh-“  “Don’t tell me we now have vampiric sharks.”  “Very well, sir.  I won’t.  But if I might suggest the chainsaw sword and the deep-sea respirator…”

“The X-Men turn the tide until only Magneto is left. Magneto does the usual supervillain “ENOUGH!” attack, which is like the evil version of the superhero “THIS ENDS NOW!” tactic. You know what I’m talking about. Like if the Fantastic Four were pounding down on Doom from all sides, he could just spread his arms out, scream, “ENOUGH!” and suddenly everybody goes flying in the opposite direction. It’s a nifty power.”  Joy, if you can’t find some way to use this… Threats: Many of these overlap. Numerous threats incorporate aspects of each category without quite fitting, such as the Femtroopers, or else fit into several slots, such as SHODAN and her machinations. Bombs. Sometimes a mechanical explosive device, sometimes organic. May be a rocket or jet whose ignition immolates everything on the ground, may be a device or creature or being which releases neurotoxin or some other deadly gas. Sometimes a bomber. Usually but not always random in purpose. May be connected to a Mastermind or a Cult. Examples: Bomberman, the Airplane Girls, GStu # 5. Recommended action: Clear the area before attempting to defuse the situation. It may be advisable to wait for someone more invulnerable. Alterators: Individuals seeking to forcefully shape-change others. Occasionally fits “Mad Scientist” archetype. May be a Mastermind or working beneath one, may lead or work beneath a Cult. Sometimes the source of Plaguers, Rampagers, Minions. May be seeking to complete a Summoner ritual/treatment in order to make self into a Deity. Plan may begin and end with “Change everyone”, may be more complicated. Examples: SHODAN, Lord Ted, Dracula, MSue #315(“Tearvault”). Recommended action: Clear the area. Take out the Alterator from a distance; usually his or her death or incapacitation leads to a reversion of subjects. Plaguers. Infectious and shape-changing. Destroys or suppresses minds of victims. Little leadership; exists only to spread and assimilate. Sometimes connected or related to Masterminds or Alterators, but usually not under their control. Usually seen in hordes; may have a hivemind. Examples: Zombies(all kinds), wild weres, “gray goo” nanobots. Recommended action: STAMP IT OUT. Violence is justified, few will complain. Stepping in early saves a lot of work later on. Cults. A group united under a common purpose, generally sinister and active. Somewhat similar to Plaguers, spreading and recruiting new members. Harder to justify violence against. Victims may be subjects for Alterators, may seem to still be themselves, may have joined willingly or unwillingly, may be recoverable. Spreads, usually has a leader who may or may not be a Mastermind, often Summoners. Occasionally has a hivemind. Examples: SHODAN, the Fighting Fanboys, Rampant Catgirls, Dracula’s Brides. Recommended action: Observe. Trust in the Force. Mastermind: Instigators of various forms of mayhem. Often behind Plagues and Rampagers and Bombs, occasionally Predators. Usually has Minions. May or may not be or command Alterators. Sometimes heads a Cult. Often has vague and nebulous goals such as “take over the world,” “become a god”, or “cover the Earth in darkness”, may be a Summoner. Examples: SHODAN, several incarnations of Lex Luthor, Dracula. Recommended action: Varies depending on circumstance. Trust the Force. Rampagers: Individual goes insane or alternately is an unleashed beast or cybernetic creation, begins random wanton destruction. Individuals are often but not always shape-changed. Often related to Masterminds or Deities; similar to Minions but not under control. May be content to smash scenery, may be after random bystanders. Examples: Hulk and Hulk-Derivatives, Kool-Aid Man, beings afflicted by strains of Psycho Serum. Recommended action: Clear the area of bystanders, stay back. Restraint doesn’t really work. Better to wait it out and summon appropriate help. Minions: Often mechanical or shapeshifted bystanders, but may be complicit. Usually directed by a Mastermind but occasionally are part of a Cult, similar to Rampagers but with a specific goal. Goal is usually to break or steal a specific item, sometimes to kidnap or deliver a message. May be alone, in a group, or near a Mastermind. Examples: Fully-transformed cyborgs belonging to SHODAN’s cult, Doombots, Dracula’s Brides. Recommended action: Usually best to thwart goal of Minions. Restraint is good; however, Minions often escape custody. Note: if there is only one, it is highly dangerous and caution is strongly advised. If there are many, the Law of Conservation of Ninjitsu means they may be overpowered by squad’s efforts. Trust the Force. Predators. Simplest of the lot. One being seeking to prey on others for a variety of reasons. May be an inept Mastermind, attempting to kill food, a thief, a rapist, a hitman or assassin… Somewhat like a Rampager, but after individuals. Difficult to detect normally, but Trouble Magnet Phlebotinium spurs them into action where and when they may be caught. Examples: More than can be easily counted. Recommended action: Stop the Predator. Restraint is preferable. Summoners: Individual or individuals attempting to either grant themselves or another vast power or call forth something nasty. Trouble Magnet Phlebotinium means that patrols often encounter these during important rituals. Often related to Cults; by the time it gets this bad, intervention is a must. Sacrifices may be involved. Sometimes the goal or part of the goal of an Alterator or a Mastermind. Examples: MSue #2. Recommended action: Trust in the Force. Disrupting the wrong way or time may have catastrophic results. Save the sacrifice if possible. Sometimes it is necessary to let ritual proceed and only attack after completion; however, this may result in a Deity. Deity: Some one or some thing with power far greater than enjoyed by members of the 501st. Often takes the form of a small child, an attractively feminine male, or a huge and hideous monster; however there are many, many others. You’ll know it when you see it. Often a very strong Rampager; may be a Xanadu native or the result of a Summoner’s efforts. Examples: Anything from DBZ, Bizarro Superman, Lobo, Sepiroth, MSue #2, etc. Recommended action: AVOID. Clear out bystanders if possible, but get out of the way. Can’t do anything to hurt it, even if it has a weak point. Something with a similar level of ability will be along soon and will stop it. Very rare, fortunately


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November 2014


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